Feb
He says this comes from being with lots of men who ar paying me for sex. It is true that in the past I was dating lots of men for money, and I stayed foucsed and never, never put my mouth on them, i tried not to touch or look at them, and I made sure i always used a good condum. so for him to compare is wrong, right? I keep telling him I'm saving the real intimacy for marriage. He says that my thinking is flawed (his word) because I will have sex with him but will not make out with him. He says all the girls he knows kiss and hug FIRST, and then sex comes after getting to know a person. sex is just not that big a deal to me. what if you just like the act of sex without all the touching, kissing, and hugging? He says kissing is normal stuff, but not to me. Actually, if I have a man tongue in my mouthh I get that vomit feeling. I hate making out with men. This pref is not b/c of my hooking days, is it?
I am glad I don't do this anymore, but he need 2 chill. Do I need conseling?
Answer:
Sounds like you definitely have intimacy issues. Most people use kissing and hugging as foreplay which leads up to the much more intimate act of sex.
I don't think that counseling would hurt you one bit and yes, I do think that it comes from your past life where you needed to stay "outside" of what was happening. It was a job, not love or friendship. So to keep it as a job, you became detached from the actual acts. In order to keep your boyfriend happy and to have a healthy relationship, you must learn to immerse yourself in the act of foreplay and sex. It sounds like you treat him as a "client" and not the person that you are supposed to be in love with. You can't hold someone at arm's length and still expect them to always be there. Eventually he will leave and find someone that he can emotionally connect with when things get physical.
I commend you for changing your lifestyle and committing to your boyfriend, but you must take the next steps to ensure that you have the type of relationship that will last.
Good Luck!!!
Edit: Saving the "real intimacy for marriage" is like a ticking time bomb in my opinion. I can see this unfolding as there will be so much pressure on you to be really initmate after marriage that you'll totally freak out and run from this relationship. You are creating an expectation that you may not be able to fulfill. I would start now at least trying to ease into the intimacy, with foreplay and sex, so that you will not have it all thrown on you at one time. Just practice with him hugging at first, then go to more intimate hugging (yes there are different levels of hugging). After that you can begin to kiss, just on the face and lips, no frenching (tongue in mouth). Once you've adapted to that, then you can progress to more intimate kissing.
I have a question for you: When you are having sex, do you allow him to kiss your face and neck and anywhere else on your body?
If you like to read, there are also self-help books to establishing the intimacy necessary for a healthy relationship. One that I know of is: Seven Weeks to Better Sex. It starts off very simply by having the couple sit facing each other and look into each other's eyes, but no touching. By the end of the first week you are holding hands while looking into each other's eyes.
While this may all seem ridiculous to you, the fact that you don't know what intimacy is and what part is plays in a relationship is what will be your downfall in the end. I'm not blaming you for what is happening, but you must understand that intimacy is a vital part of any lasting relationship.
When you state that you "like the act of sex without all the touching, kissing, and hugging", you are still in the mindset of just having sex. Making love with someone that you are in love with is so much more than that. It doesn't just fulfill the physical need to have an orgasm, it goes beyond that and fills the need for emotional connection.
If you have orgasms during your sex, then believe me, when you have intimate lovemaking, they will be so much stronger and fulfillling. If you don't have orgasms, then you definitely have a much bigger intimacy issue than you realize.
Answer:
sounds like your bf wants that loving feeling and due to your past you have put up a wall and not providing what he wants-he wants to feel close and loved- you say you are waiting for the right one to release it all.He don't believe it will happen if its not happening now
Answer:
I would say it's like routine to you, since you dated for $$$$. Let him show you what he means about what he says and you might like it. The making out part is very intimate, and hookers don't do it because they don't want to get romantically involved w/a client.